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Funny quotes

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
-- Garry Shandling

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
-- Mark Twain

I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.
-- Jim Loy

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
-- Woody Allen

Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
-- Andy Waits

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
-- Les Dawson

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-- Henry Youngman

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
-- Spike Milligan

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
-- Tommy Cooper

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
-- Will Rogers

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
-- Oscar Wilde

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

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